I was recently heartbroken. Like, heart.broken. And by a man no less. Not by a cellared Barolo that turned out to be corked or a life-long family pet that passed. But by the man who I thought was really The One. I opened the door to the guest room to greet him on Christmas Eve morning and he had gone. Just. like. that. Four years of frustration, despair, sorrow, and relief rushed out all at once. But then young Leonardo DiCaprio’s one-liner, “I could go at any time” which he says honestly, blankly as he gazes over at Juliette Lewis in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, started replaying over in my head.
Of course, poor Arnie had a real condition while with my guy I was referring to the sudden starts and stops that marked our relationship. Like one of us could get cold feet and disappear in the middle of the night without a whisper. I never could have gone out like that but you only really learn about people when they’re presented with a desperate situation. I guess the back country of Oregon can really strike fear into the hearts of men. Or was it something I said? When one chooses a dramatic exit, it is usually the build up of many things said and unsaid over a long period of time; a lack of agreement. I cannot blame him. I have many, many good memories; the good certainly outweigh the bad. But sometimes both parties do everything they can and still it is not enough. And I certainly don’t have any regrets.
Now, it is true that I cannot listen to any Adele and I change the station when “Photograph” comes on. But I don’t drown my sorrows in La Marca or sop up tears with a box of Kleenex while watching Prince of Tides. Chocolate is not being indulged in nor is drunk texting an option. I am 32 after all, come on. (Hah.) What I am doing is working, writing, and letting my mind wander to new possibilities that were not previously considered, like, for one, backpacking through wine country in eastern Europe or South America. Even the small luxury of having large periods of time to study for the UC Davis certificate or the WSET Diploma can now be considered since now there is no one to cook for, make plans with, spend time with, care for and love.
So, my 2016 has started with a major shift. I did not know how to kick off a fresh year in blogging, but I think now I have found my narrative: local Oregon girl comes home after many adventures abroad to knuckle down and dominate wine before it dominates her. There are many projects on the horizon and I feel very fortunate to be surrounded by people who love me. I assume with time the nightmares will subside. You know the ones, where you are looking for someone and you literally cannot find your way without them. You are searching and calling their name and asking friends and strangers, but nobody even knows who you are talking about. They’re like a ghost.
It may be uncouth to share something so personal in such a public place, but I once saw a blurred-out image that came from Anthony Weiner’s phone on the national news so I think you all can deal with a little light introspection. So, with that, cheers to 2016. Cheers to triumphing over Diploma and Davis. Cheers to family, friends and grandparents. Cheers to a new job. Cheers to a new President who I hope does not eat pizza with a fork and knife. For I am sure that 2016 is going to be a wild, wild ride.